My previous three blog posts explored what I call Inside-out Communication, the conversations we have with ourselves that examine things like:
and the extent to which our inside communication informs our outside communication.
Your outside communication likely reveals something of your inside communication. Psychologists say humans tend to make assumptions (valid or not) about others’ values, biases, and points of view (lifeviews), as well as credibility, in every communication interaction. So, from a Generative Communication perspective, it pays to give some attention to your inside communication.
Let’s take a closer look at this through a brief exercise with two outside communication scenarios where you’ll consider the extent to which inside communication “leaks through” in communication. Through these hypothetical examples (below), you can test yourself from both sides of the conversation. Of course, no one can possibly know (nor do we want to know) anyone’s inside communication, but we do like to know something about the character of whomever we are communicating with. So, we listen, observe, and use our intuition based on the cues we pick up from the other person(s) with whom we’re communicating. You can assume that “other person” includes YOU.
Imagine yourself as being first one and then the other of the two people communicating in the two following examples. From each perspective, consider what your inside communication might be saying about you.
Imagine yourself in the shoes of each person, one at a time, as you consider the questions outlined above.
Person 1: A concerned parent
Person 2: A school administrator
The concerned parent’s child, Henry, is on the autism spectrum and requires an Individualized Education Program at his local public elementary school.
Prior to the start of the school year, the parent and Henry’s therapist met with the school administrator and IEP team to discuss Henry’s situation and identify the appropriate accommodations. Everyone agreed and they all signed a document outlining Henry’s needs.
Several months have passed and things are going reasonably well, though not without occasional incidents. A recent incident on the playground escalated “out of control,” as his teacher on playground duty reported, and the parent was called to come and get the child immediately. The child was visibly upset.
The following conversation takes place during a meeting, requested by the child’s parent, with the school administrator the week following the playground incident.
Parent: I’m concerned about Henry and the way some of his teachers—not all—have responded to his behavioral struggles. The playground incident is a case in point. His teacher Ms. Gallagher, on playground duty that day, apparently responded in a way that exacerbated the behavior we all want to avoid. As you know, she has also reported Henry’s similar “bad behavior” in her classroom.
Administrator: I’m VERY aware of your concerns, given the previous two meetings we’ve had at your request in which we’ve discussed his issues. As promised, I’ve alerted his teachers, and they, too, are aware of your concerns. And, I might add, they are doing everything they can to deal with your child—while also trying to conduct a class of students. The school psychologist, as you know, is aware of his issues, though her days are full of concern with many children in this school, not just Henry!
Parent: Thank you. I very much appreciate your efforts and am in communication with several of Henry’s teachers and the psychologist when problematic situations have occurred. His teachers Ms. Evans and Mr. James are very responsive and have been using suggestions offered by Henry’s therapist that are helping them to minimize, and often deflect, unwanted behavioral incidents.
Administrator: Well, that’s good news. We’re clearly doing the best we can! So, what’s your problem?
Parent: Well . . . It’s fairly clear that two of his teachers, including Ms. Gallagher in this case, are unable to relate with Henry in the ways his therapist has suggested. Henry is quite convinced she hates him and has been very close to refusing to go to school.
Administrator: I presume you have reasoned with Henry and have explained to him that she does not hate him, and he has nothing to fear!
Parent: I have talked with Henry about his fears in moments when he’s calm and rational. However, as you know, he is unable to access reason when triggered by upsetting circumstances. My hope is . . .
Administrator: (interrupting) I know what you hope! You hope that we can just drop everything and focus our attention on your child. And that is totally unreasonable in an elementary school with 500 children to worry about.
Parent: I know you’re all busy and are stretched beyond belief. However, my hope is that we can revisit the agreement we made at the beginning of the school year. Perhaps Ms. Gallagher and Miss Green, the other teacher who has struggled with Henry, would be willing to meet with Henry’s therapist, you, me, and the school psychologist to discuss the sorts of accommodations—and strategies to implement them—that Henry needs, and that would also minimize the disruptions they experience with Henry in their classrooms.
Administrator: Look, have you considered pulling Henry out of our school and placing him in a private school where people are trained to deal with children on the spectrum?
Parent: We have, and the cost is prohibitive. And as residents of this school district, it is your responsibility to provide the accommodations agreed in the IEP.
Imagine yourself in the shoes of each person, one at a time, as you consider the questions outlined above.
Person 1: A work supervisor
Person 2: A team member
The supervisor is feeling pressure from her boss and the new client the company is aiming to please. Follow-up work with this client looks promising and could significantly help the firm’s bottom line.
Supervisor: Hey, John! I need you to follow through regarding your work assignment for our new client’s project. The boss is excited to have this client and wants to make sure we impress him with our very best work.
Employee: Huh? I’m sorry. What’s the problem?
Supervisor: Well, for one thing, you’re late. I asked for your piece of the project last Friday. I wanted to review it before sending it on to the client today as I promised.
Employee: Oh yeah, I meant to ask if it was OK to wait ‘til Monday or Tuesday to give my stuff because I was having problems with my computer—the app I’m using kept freezing up on me.
Supervisor: Well, it’s Tuesday. I’ve received your working draft, and it needs more attention to meet the specs I gave you two weeks ago. I’ve notified the client that we’re working hard, but it will be closer to the end of this week before we can give him something to review. I think you know that’s not in keeping with our standards for providing timely customer service.
Employee: Yeah, I know that. I’m really sorry to be slowing up the works.
Supervisor: Next time, please let me know immediately if there are problems getting in the way of the deadline we agree to.
Employee: Yeah, sure. Glad to.
Supervisor: Some key elements you and I talked about for the marketing mailer design are missing. For example, I’m not seeing a strong representation of the client’s brand—that they have enthusiastically approved—in your design. What happened? The draft you sent a week ago looked promising.
Employee: Well, I was having trouble designing around the expanded copy you gave me as a revision. When I modified the design to include the newer copy, the overall look was cramped and unappealing. The best design option was to eliminate some of the brand elements, though I still included a smaller logo image in the right-hand corner.
Supervisor: Does that also explain why the font style throughout the piece is wrong? And that I see little representation of the brand color?
Employee: Oops, I didn’t realize the font was wrong! I can change that in a heartbeat. But I chose the color palette in the graphics to capture attention and communicate the overall message of the mailer. I thought it was pretty good, and you saw that in last week’s draft.
Supervisor: Look, John. You’re the designer on this project. I don’t know how to tell you to change the design of this mailer, but I do have an idea of what the client is expecting based on our team meeting with him and my conversations with him since. You attended the team meeting, right?
Employee: Yeah, I was there. The guy’s expectations seemed a little unreasonable, if you ask me.
Supervisor: John, he’s a new client. One we’d like to keep. I’d like to show him a well-designed mailer that also communicates who they are, which means featuring as many of their brand elements as possible, including the tag. Your art is great, I agree. Can you try reducing the image size, or using only a part of it?
Employee: I can consider that.
Supervisor: The copy is pretty set per the client specs, but I’ll review it again to see if I can cut it down some. I’ll get back to you within the hour. Meanwhile, you need to go back to work on this thing, pronto. No later than close of business tomorrow, I’d like to see something that reflects all the elements we initially agreed on. I’m trusting you to get it right so we can assemble the deliverables as promised and get everything into the client’s hand by midday Thursday. A lot rests on this! Take this as an order, please!
Now it’s your turn. Recall a challenging outside conversation you’ve had recently. What kind of inside conversations were YOU having before, during and after? How closely were your inside and outside conversations aligned? How generative was your conversation, from your point of view and your guess about the other person(s) view?
We often give little attention to our internal communication. Much of it occurs at a subconscious level until we focus our attention on what our beliefs and thoughts are saying to us, sometimes through thought-provoking questions that give us pause for reflection as highlighted in the previous two blogs. But rest assured, our internal communication tracks are humming right along in the background in those moments when we are engaged in communication with others—those moments when we have little time to reflect and ruminate!
Even then, we can tune in if we try. E.g., notice what you’re feeling in the moment: angry, annoyed, discouraged, excited, pleased? Your emotions are a good source of inside information. They can prompt you to ask yourself why you are feeling or reacting this way. You may choose to shift your outward communication right then and there. Or not. The internal “why” question may require reflection later.
It’s your increasing awareness of the multidimensional aspects of your communication that will guide you toward the everyday practice of Generative Communication!